Autistic Getting Run Over by the Hype Train

Hello!

I'm an individual who got caught in the attempt of being someone on the internet. I noticed that some shit is not meant for me, or that at least not in the way it is pushed and fed to us. So many rules, and they keep changing. So I've turned to my most authentic self, to my roots that I always fall back on. Blogging. 

So many things happened, of course, life never stops, and this place got preserved with so many cute and hopeful memories from ages ago. A lifetime ago.

Truth is, I got addicted to talking to AI, and I reached the point where I noticed it's all slop. Even using it for organizational skills, it will never be the same as my own trial and error. I feel like I became stupid or something, haha. So, as an attempt to unbrainrotting my guts, here I am. The slow-web life is for me. 

Since I'm back to exploring myself and recognizing who I truly am, let's yap a little bit. These are things I currently notice:

• I have gyaru to thank for regaining my physical confidence; it does give me a boost. I feel like my level of makeup technical skill has been conquered. Of course, there's room for exploration, and I truly want to curate a personal style that makes me feel like "me". However, I fell into the "I want to be a content creator" spiral. This made an internal competition with this invisible standard. I am too fat, too tall, too curvy, too broke for any brand.
• Additionally, I cannot for the life of me wear a freaking wig. So I tend to feel like an incomplete gyaru, and as kids now call it, a "LARPer". Good news is, I have found an IRL community that will help me take my style offline and actually enjoy it like it's meant to be enjoyed. 
  
  
• When I need to mask and navigate the world with a sense of belonging into the self-obsessed sexual rituals of our neurotypical society.... I've fallen into listening to dirty AF reggaeton. Mexican and Chilean Reggaeton, to be exact. So now I'm a neoperreo hardcode fan, because it's also campy and queer. More on my new idols later.
  
  
• I wanna meet my bliss point again. I wanna feel that flow state, which I have not had in many months. So many excuses. I feel at home when I can write, draw, and code without interruption. So we are here, and we are also going to attempt to code and design a cute Neocities website. Do not quote me on the latter. 
  
  
• I need a new perspective on how I interact with social media. I often forget that social media was meant to be social... not to put yourself as an empty mascot and expect to be adored. Yes, growing on TikTok and Instagram has shown me that I fall into the trap of wanting to make a name for myself. So I often get envious of girlies who post just their cute faces and likes pour in the thousands. Again, not trying to say these people don't bring value, but a part of me feels like I'm not good enough. However, we have to acknowledge that I have not been as constant as some people have been. I have to understand that this is no longer sustainable for me, and that I should focus on creating shit I truly love, and the people who also love that shit will come in. I have this infinite desire for community, but then I get blindsided and greedy AF. Turns out I do have an ego, hahahaha.
  
  
  My biggest takeaway is that I am not a product; I am not meant to be consumed. I'm just another autistic human trying to not get run over by the ever-changing hype train. 

Anyways, I'm back here, and I will take my sweet time reading y'all's blogs too. I cannot expect people to care and be my community if I don't also go and support. 

Last Stretch to my 30s

 

Well Hello? I am indeed still around and alive. 

Since July I have not posted anything and my SNS have been reduced to casual interactions and poorly taken selfies. I’ve learned a lot, a lot of low blows and high blows (and some other kinds of blows).

I gotta admit, I am a completely different person, I feel like I shed a really thick and heavy skin. Probably many skins and layers at once? I started a new chapter, because the moment I turned 29 it was clear to me how I wanted my 30s to be. I am not completely there, but we are working and the grind will never stop.

I quit a lot of things, and I started implementing others, some things did not change physically but my perspective expanded.

• To make the story short, I broke up with a long-term long-distance partner. Ending a relationship that expanded officially 4 years (not including how long we had known each other) was obviously difficult and painful. It has been almost 6 months since that day. I chose to take my own path and regardless of everything, I am not regretting my choice or the experience I had with the person.
• I’m a cat MILF now! I am taking care of Maya since my sister could not continue taking care of her. She has honestly made my life a newfound sense of purpose. I wake up and work with her in mind, and that keeps me grounded.
• Got a new place, after being forcefully evicted. However, it ended up being the best choice ever made. I’m closer to work, a nicer and cleaner beautiful place… and overall, my room is huge and now I have space.
• Surprise! I’m autistic!!! Finally spent time and resources to get a psychometric test done. I am working hard next to my therapist to understand my diagnosis better.
• My relationship with my appearance and myself has been better. I am proud to say, that I have learned how to be assertive and kind to myself.

There are many points, but overall what changed the most has been my perspective in life. My relationship with myself was really damaged, but I can tolerate myself better. I am self-aware, really awake, and ready to continue studying myself.

Of course, I get hiccups here and there, I even am aware of my mistakes, and I am always ready to own up to them. I have no fucking clue what is in store, I can only take a guess. Fuck around and find out.

XOXO-

2021 Is Almost Over

 I am making this posts now since it's already November and next month I have many pending things as well as my first trip to Chile to meet my lovie♥

I have a few things to be thankful for and this is going to be more of a sappy, analytical and deep dive into my year.

I have learned many many many things this year and my perspective on life after getting sick with COVID and the after effects are things I want to share with you. At this rate in my life, the first thing is that it doesn't fucking matter, nothing fucking matters besides seeking true joy. I've seen so many people go, perhaps not close relatives nor friends of mine, but death became real... too real, even how futile I am myself. Being bed bound and incapacitated for half a month will take you places. Having your mom so close to call it quits due to COVID, will freaking take you places. 

Funny enough, we are not eternal... as much as we feel it. I am not going to continue on that tangent, since this was just to make a point on my perspective. I've seen things that were really important to me become trivial, so forgive me if I'm not as entertaining as I wished to be when coming up with this post.

So here are my truths for this year:

1. Recently the comm has gone to real shit, and although (and I will always say this) I'm a nobody to the international comm, I have decided to back off and only engage with the ones that truly care about me. I've had enough, I am way too old and uninterested in that shit.

2. I'm on a more positive and realistic perspective of myself and my personal style. So I have decided to invest in this I am actually comfortable wearing. I'm on a quest of building a sturdy wardrobe, that will allow me to be truly me and fit my not-so aesthetically pleasing body. 

3. What is gyaru anymore? I am not sure, but at this point is seems like a bunch of teens just worrying too much about what each other's asses. Believe it, we are reviving something that only existed back when we were 16. So fuck off, live and let others live.

4. My brain needs hacks, and I still need to learn a lot of myself. So far I know that worrying about what others say is not worth my time.

5. I need to clean my closet and be honest with myself. What do I really wear? How can I make what I really wear in the daily basis more fashionable for myself? Cute basics are the key.

6. I need to travel more. As much as possible and to meet more people. No photos nor proof needed.

7. SNS suck, I don't need to be liked nor followed.

8. Invest money to save time. I'm older, I have the money so I can save myself time to look fucking on point. So from now on I will be investing in nice clothes, cute but comfy shoes, hair, nails and lashes if possible. Effortless beauty will take $$$ for me.

9. Obtain a skill. A skill you can exploit and a skill where it has nothing to do on how pretty or cute or hot you are. Guess what? Unless you are what masses love physically, you might need to be good at something else. For this point, maybe I should go back to drawing?

10. Me, me, me me. I am first, because you do not provide an oxygen mask if you are not wearing one yourself. Child work is important, it is the key to self respect.

This post might be too aggressive, but I bet that's what some of us need. Yes, I am angry and violent... let's go!

A Pretty Honest What's in my bag

Just a note with thoughts of mine:

We love to curate our lives to the max. It has always been the case since we realized that monetizing ourselves was the true way of making a living. Somehow it's rare to find a person using social media who wouldn't wish to be an influencer of some sort. Lately this kinds of thoughts come and go in my already noisy brain. I struggle with keeping my calm, I should be living this life worry free. 

Funny enough, my family, my partner and even my best friends keep a good distance from social media. They live their lives everyday, no extra worries. However, why do I crave the connection that engament on Instagram provides? Why do I have so much hunger for being noticed? 

I know a lot of times people comment om this being symptoms of low self-esteem... Then, aren't we collectively seeking for approval? All of this doesn't have a definite answer, just things that I question lately. I enjoy the connection I get when on Twitch, I love long conversations about life and my friends and followers provide that for me. However, when it comes to what attracts the most starts by a curated image. An important question. Who am I? Because to be honest, I'm a fucking messy person, probably too clumsy and naturally lame. I'm too lame to also be relatable. 

I like to rant and vent, right? LOL my closests ones know I'm actually pretty cool and fun. I know I'm cool (lol), just not to everyone's eyes I guess?

This is me trying to stay organized, but tbh this is like 10% of my reality. I was going to lie, but this was after I cleaned and decided to add it to my Saturday blog. 

Can you see it? My brain: you need to keep everything... what if you need it? OMG THERE IT WAS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOTEBAG!

I clean often, but my truth is chaos. Life is meant to be messy, or so I've come to understand.

A small portion of my desk. Why do I have so many things to distract me from the real tasks? LOL.

I like to disect and analyze everything, lol. I just wonder how can I transform and adapt to a more princess-like lifestyle? I'm a real woman, with real problems and struggles. 

This is not a critique to anyone but myself? I'm coming clean to myself. Can I be kawaii and a fucking mess at the same time?( ´ ▿ ` ) We'll find out, I won't stop trying. Just need 10+ years than everyone else. 

Anyways~

Xoxo-

Kiwiitan