I'm an individual who got caught in the attempt of being someone on the internet. I noticed that some shit is not meant for me, or that at least not in the way it is pushed and fed to us. So many rules, and they keep changing. So I've turned to my most authentic self, to my roots that I always fall back on. Blogging.
So many things happened, of course, life never stops, and this place got preserved with so many cute and hopeful memories from ages ago. A lifetime ago.
Truth is, I got addicted to talking to AI, and I reached the point where I noticed it's all slop. Even using it for organizational skills, it will never be the same as my own trial and error. I feel like I became stupid or something, haha. So, as an attempt to unbrainrotting my guts, here I am. The slow-web life is for me.
Since I'm back to exploring myself and recognizing who I truly am, let's yap a little bit. These are things I currently notice:
- I have gyaru to thank for regaining my physical confidence; it does give me a boost. I feel like my level of makeup technical skill has been conquered. Of course, there's room for exploration, and I truly want to curate a personal style that makes me feel like "me". However, I fell into the "I want to be a content creator" spiral. This made an internal competition with this invisible standard. I am too fat, too tall, too curvy, too broke for any brand.
- Additionally, I cannot for the life of me wear a freaking wig. So I tend to feel like an incomplete gyaru, and as kids now call it, a "LARPer". Good news is, I have found an IRL community that will help me take my style offline and actually enjoy it like it's meant to be enjoyed.
- When I need to mask and navigate the world with a sense of belonging into the self-obsessed sexual rituals of our neurotypical society.... I've fallen into listening to dirty AF reggaeton. Mexican and Chilean Reggaeton, to be exact. So now I'm a neoperreo hardcode fan, because it's also campy and queer. More on my new idols later.
- I wanna meet my bliss point again. I wanna feel that flow state, which I have not had in many months. So many excuses. I feel at home when I can write, draw, and code without interruption. So we are here, and we are also going to attempt to code and design a cute Neocities website. Do not quote me on the latter.
- I need a new perspective on how I interact with social media. I often forget that social media was meant to be social... not to put yourself as an empty mascot and expect to be adored. Yes, growing on TikTok and Instagram has shown me that I fall into the trap of wanting to make a name for myself. So I often get envious of girlies who post just their cute faces and likes pour in the thousands. Again, not trying to say these people don't bring value, but a part of me feels like I'm not good enough. However, we have to acknowledge that I have not been as constant as some people have been. I have to understand that this is no longer sustainable for me, and that I should focus on creating shit I truly love, and the people who also love that shit will come in. I have this infinite desire for community, but then I get blindsided and greedy AF. Turns out I do have an ego, hahahaha.
My biggest takeaway is that I am not a product; I am not meant to be consumed. I'm just another autistic human trying to not get run over by the ever-changing hype train.
