Hi, I'm here with some thoughts and reflections I've had lately. Writing this while my butt and legs are sore AF. I do that, manage to reach the gym, feel pain the next day, and don't come back until I can move again. So the problem is I have to learn how to stretch correctly.
(Note: this was written at the start of my burnout recovery over a month ago)
I honestly have always been obsessed with my body image, and at the same time, this has been so debilitating that I am left with no energy to do something about it. Years of therapy later, I can say that I do find myself worthy of existing even in a bigger body. I now know that living with a disability such as autism leads me to pathways and cycles. I am yet to understand a way in which I can thrive and be 100% healthy. The truth is, I also struggle with PMOS (formerly known as PCOS), and autistics tend to also develop gut issues such as IBS due to many reasons.
Yes, I was assigned a more difficult mode than others, and I take responsibility for what I asked for. Sadly enough, my stims are food-related... I also have a lot of food noise; I crave salty and spicy foods all the time. I take accountability and research until something clicks for me to improve my condition.
The good news is that now that I'm aware, I try my best to make better decisions (which are difficult, but not impossible). Blood work, listening to my body, getting professional opinions, avoiding distractions, etc. Those are things that I have been doing for the past year or so. Progress is rarely linear, and to be honest it should be measured by me and the systems I am working to set up for my future self.
Another thing that has helped me is removing all kinds of external judgements, the ones that are implied. Did you know that we weren't meant to see that many pretty and objectively beautiful/fit people? That's how unreasonable ideals are formed. It did not matter how much I curated my feed; it always went back to who was the skinniest, who had the best bone structure. It always encouraged self-surveillance and created a new, oddly specific insecurity. I refuse to keep being a part of that system, which has not allowed me to progress and become my best self. It is good to have role models, but we have to look to our sides, not necessarily up or down.
Gyaru has always been a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, we have the values of being yourself, self-expression, and curating your personal style. At the same time, when you are gathering inspo, you unconsciously idolize girls who are from a whole different ethnicity, bone structure, and lifestyle than what you are accustomed to or born with. I am not saying their ways are wrong, or that mine are right; it is just quite different. Then we add the layer of policing and gatekeeping that the gaijin community has been curating for almost 2 decades now. Wherever I turn, there are rules, there are standards, something or someone is telling you that what you are is not enough. Sometimes it's verbally stated; you get posted on Lolcow or whatever variation of the sort. Hypocrisy, that's what we try to ignore and sweep under the rug. This does not only apply to me and how fat, tall, or big I am. It can be extended to ableism, ageism, racism, colorism, etc. We are never enough.
Call me a fat-cow-crybaby, but after trying my best to keep up with SNS, content creation, and being part of the online community, I feel exhausted. I, of course, love gyaru; I am a gyaru; I will always default and gravitate towards gyaru. I love makeup, and how good I am at it. It's just that whatever I was doing was not working.
I just wrote this to connect with myself, and more than a rant, I wanted to let you know that it's time to wake up! Do things for you, reduce the noise, be a good neighbor.
