Body Image and Slow Life

Hi, I'm here with some thoughts and reflections I've had lately. Writing this while my butt and legs are sore AF. I do that, manage to reach the gym, feel pain the next day, and don't come back until I can move again. So the problem is I have to learn how to stretch correctly.

(Note: this was written at the start of my burnout recovery over a month ago) 

I honestly have always been obsessed with my body image, and at the same time, this has been so debilitating that I am left with no energy to do something about it. Years of therapy later, I can say that I do find myself worthy of existing even in a bigger body. I now know that living with a disability such as autism leads me to pathways and cycles. I am yet to understand a way in which I can thrive and be 100% healthy. The truth is, I also struggle with PMOS (formerly known as PCOS), and autistics tend to also develop gut issues such as IBS due to many reasons. 

Yes, I was assigned a more difficult mode than others, and I take responsibility for what I asked for. Sadly enough, my stims are food-related... I also have a lot of food noise; I crave salty and spicy foods all the time. I take accountability and research until something clicks for me to improve my condition.

The good news is that now that I'm aware, I try my best to make better decisions (which are difficult, but not impossible). Blood work, listening to my body, getting professional opinions, avoiding distractions, etc. Those are things that I have been doing for the past year or so. Progress is rarely linear, and to be honest it should be measured by me and the systems I am working to set up for my future self. 

Another thing that has helped me is removing all kinds of external judgements, the ones that are implied. Did you know that we weren't meant to see that many pretty and objectively beautiful/fit people? That's how unreasonable ideals are formed. It did not matter how much I curated my feed; it always went back to who was the skinniest, who had the best bone structure. It always encouraged self-surveillance and created a new, oddly specific insecurity. I refuse to keep being a part of that system, which has not allowed me to progress and become my best self. It is good to have role models, but we have to look to our sides, not necessarily up or down. 

Gyaru has always been a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, we have the values of being yourself, self-expression, and curating your personal style. At the same time, when you are gathering inspo, you unconsciously idolize girls who are from a whole different ethnicity, bone structure, and lifestyle than what you are accustomed to or born with. I am not saying their ways are wrong, or that mine are right; it is just quite different. Then we add the layer of policing and gatekeeping that the gaijin community has been curating for almost 2 decades now. Wherever I turn, there are rules, there are standards, something or someone is telling you that what you are is not enough. Sometimes it's verbally stated; you get posted on Lolcow or whatever variation of the sort. Hypocrisy, that's what we try to ignore and sweep under the rug. This does not only apply to me and how fat, tall, or big I am. It can be extended to ableism, ageism, racism, colorism, etc. We are never enough. 

Call me a fat-cow-crybaby, but after trying my best to keep up with SNS, content creation, and being part of the online community, I feel exhausted. I, of course, love gyaru; I am a gyaru; I will always default and gravitate towards gyaru. I love makeup, and how good I am at it. It's just that whatever I was doing was not working. 

I just wrote this to connect with myself, and more than a rant, I wanted to let you know that it's time to wake up! Do things for you, reduce the noise, be a good neighbor.

Autistic Getting Run Over by the Hype Train

Hello!

I'm an individual who got caught in the attempt of being someone on the internet. I noticed that some shit is not meant for me, or that at least not in the way it is pushed and fed to us. So many rules, and they keep changing. So I've turned to my most authentic self, to my roots that I always fall back on. Blogging. 

So many things happened, of course, life never stops, and this place got preserved with so many cute and hopeful memories from ages ago. A lifetime ago.

Truth is, I got addicted to talking to AI, and I reached the point where I noticed it's all slop. Even using it for organizational skills, it will never be the same as my own trial and error. I feel like I became stupid or something, haha. So, as an attempt to unbrainrotting my guts, here I am. The slow-web life is for me. 

Since I'm back to exploring myself and recognizing who I truly am, let's yap a little bit. These are things I currently notice:

• I have gyaru to thank for regaining my physical confidence; it does give me a boost. I feel like my level of makeup technical skill has been conquered. Of course, there's room for exploration, and I truly want to curate a personal style that makes me feel like "me". However, I fell into the "I want to be a content creator" spiral. This made an internal competition with this invisible standard. I am too fat, too tall, too curvy, too broke for any brand.
• Additionally, I cannot for the life of me wear a freaking wig. So I tend to feel like an incomplete gyaru, and as kids now call it, a "LARPer". Good news is, I have found an IRL community that will help me take my style offline and actually enjoy it like it's meant to be enjoyed. 
  
  
• When I need to mask and navigate the world with a sense of belonging into the self-obsessed sexual rituals of our neurotypical society.... I've fallen into listening to dirty AF reggaeton. Mexican and Chilean Reggaeton, to be exact. So now I'm a neoperreo hardcode fan, because it's also campy and queer. More on my new idols later.
  
  
• I wanna meet my bliss point again. I wanna feel that flow state, which I have not had in many months. So many excuses. I feel at home when I can write, draw, and code without interruption. So we are here, and we are also going to attempt to code and design a cute Neocities website. Do not quote me on the latter. 
  
  
• I need a new perspective on how I interact with social media. I often forget that social media was meant to be social... not to put yourself as an empty mascot and expect to be adored. Yes, growing on TikTok and Instagram has shown me that I fall into the trap of wanting to make a name for myself. So I often get envious of girlies who post just their cute faces and likes pour in the thousands. Again, not trying to say these people don't bring value, but a part of me feels like I'm not good enough. However, we have to acknowledge that I have not been as constant as some people have been. I have to understand that this is no longer sustainable for me, and that I should focus on creating shit I truly love, and the people who also love that shit will come in. I have this infinite desire for community, but then I get blindsided and greedy AF. Turns out I do have an ego, hahahaha.
  
  
  My biggest takeaway is that I am not a product; I am not meant to be consumed. I'm just another autistic human trying to not get run over by the ever-changing hype train. 

Anyways, I'm back here, and I will take my sweet time reading y'all's blogs too. I cannot expect people to care and be my community if I don't also go and support. 

Life lately

Accepting change is necessary as you grow. Keeping yourself smiling and youthful only glows from within. I've embraced that I am not the same that I was a year ago, let alone 10 years ago.

I'm a 31 year old woman now, and I have unraveled my personality and I know in my core that I will keep on changing as I grow older. What won't change is my need to learn, my curiosity, my creativity, and my sense of justice. 

I prioritize my alone time, but also my exposure to art, and building connections with loved ones.

I stopped writing to justify myself, I write and do art for myself... I'm an open book, but inside a library, waiting to be discovered by the wandering eye.

Right now, I'm doing the hard work to better myself, and damn it's a bitch and it hurts, and I cry a lot... specially end up super tired super early... eventually, I wish to regain energy and momentum to do what I love.

Remember, that eventually you can become what you fear the most, and then... true change can be possible to your best self. 

Enough rambling, now I share that I'm working on my fitness and trying out different makeup.... I cannot say I will bid farewell to gyaru, but... so far I'm not motivated to do anything of the sort.

I love my pink aesthetic, lol.

My face looks fuller, like the moon emoji, but I somehow like it.

I've been super busy at work, doing photoshoots for the brand and dying from stress....

XOXO-

 

Digicam Blog #1: My room and my cat

 

I'll revive this for the sake of y2k nostalgia!

I want to use my digicam even more than I do... so I took a couple of shots of my cat Maya chilling with a fluffy purse strap.

She's so photogenic lol

Using the change to show my messy yet aesthetic desk... 

Will keep doing silly little blogs, at least until I get a printer to use these photos in my journal hehe.

XOXO-

Kiwii-tan

Last Stretch to my 30s

 

Well Hello? I am indeed still around and alive. 

Since July I have not posted anything and my SNS have been reduced to casual interactions and poorly taken selfies. I’ve learned a lot, a lot of low blows and high blows (and some other kinds of blows).

I gotta admit, I am a completely different person, I feel like I shed a really thick and heavy skin. Probably many skins and layers at once? I started a new chapter, because the moment I turned 29 it was clear to me how I wanted my 30s to be. I am not completely there, but we are working and the grind will never stop.

I quit a lot of things, and I started implementing others, some things did not change physically but my perspective expanded.

• To make the story short, I broke up with a long-term long-distance partner. Ending a relationship that expanded officially 4 years (not including how long we had known each other) was obviously difficult and painful. It has been almost 6 months since that day. I chose to take my own path and regardless of everything, I am not regretting my choice or the experience I had with the person.
• I’m a cat MILF now! I am taking care of Maya since my sister could not continue taking care of her. She has honestly made my life a newfound sense of purpose. I wake up and work with her in mind, and that keeps me grounded.
• Got a new place, after being forcefully evicted. However, it ended up being the best choice ever made. I’m closer to work, a nicer and cleaner beautiful place… and overall, my room is huge and now I have space.
• Surprise! I’m autistic!!! Finally spent time and resources to get a psychometric test done. I am working hard next to my therapist to understand my diagnosis better.
• My relationship with my appearance and myself has been better. I am proud to say, that I have learned how to be assertive and kind to myself.

There are many points, but overall what changed the most has been my perspective in life. My relationship with myself was really damaged, but I can tolerate myself better. I am self-aware, really awake, and ready to continue studying myself.

Of course, I get hiccups here and there, I even am aware of my mistakes, and I am always ready to own up to them. I have no fucking clue what is in store, I can only take a guess. Fuck around and find out.

XOXO-

Bits of Joy in the Mundane

Hello!

My week was not too relevant in the social aspects, but work was interesting to say the least. 

I have many new projects to organize and even if it's stressful, it makes me feel fulfilled and excited. I get to challenge myself, and prove that I can totally do better in my position. Regardless of some things I don't enjoy, it's great to know I'm at least in the right path to gain experience.

I wake up and I still have the drive to take myself to the office and overall find joy in conversations with my coworkers.

My fave thing these days is this mango flavored Greek yogurt. It's sweet enough and doesn't leave that weird texture in your mouth 

For some reason yellow has been really present in my mind these days as well... 

Yellow can mean many things, but let's say that it's because I've been more optimistic lately.

This snack was good, I have been craving sweet lately and that is pretty rare for me. We like to share snacks everyday at work, so this time one of my coworkers got us this.

My hands end up looking like this all the time, it's part of my job description. Also, the main reason why I wear not so cute clothing to work. Functionality and comfort are key,  and I am not about to ruin my LL.

Then Friday after work we celebrated my mom's b-day with some seafood and beer. There are many breweries in San Diego, so we chose Thorn brewery which is in Barrio Logan. 

I had Thorn beer before, but in that place they had a bomb tamarind michelada.

Got some fish tacos and could only eat like one and some bites.

This foodtruck outside the brewery was incredible! Also, Baja style fish tacos are cheff's kiss!

Our micheladas with chamoy, it was seriously the perfect closing for a summer Friday.

I have been playing BTS Island, and it's pretty addictive.... Also started watching Bojack Horseman, and it hits too close to home in some of the issues. Generational trauma is no joke.

Soon I'll move out of this place, so I've been thinking about my new set up... might go back to streaming in Twitch once the dust settles.... We'll see what happens.

For now I'll go to get killed in Apex Legends.

XOXO

Sunday Laundry

Hi!

Sunday was father's day and since I live far away from mine I just gave him my congrats. 

I had some chores around the house plus laundry. I have been feeling a bit sick from my stomach so I decided to take it easy for the day. 

I am really lazy with laundry, but since the machine that I have in my apartment uses coins only, I had to drive to the nearest one that takes card.

I used the wait time to write and do another journal entry.

Prompt #3  Gryarufy your pet

 I chose to make a human gyaru version of my mom's cat Honey. 

I also wanted to integrate my stickers and old purikura in my pages. 

There are some logos and branding projects in there I want to develop, but I'm stuck with the sketching phase. I'm deciding on to work more on my messy planning stage and sit on things for longer. Since this is a personal project and I am used to the fast pace at work... I might be thinking too much.

Also, been thinking on going back to taking some 3D design or game design classes... We'll see if my budget and timing allows it.

Then after washing my clothes I got a gyro and a salad for lunch and headed back home.

I watched the final season of Modern Family and got really sad, because I got so fond of the characters.

American comedy is weird, but it's good enough to chill and turn off my brain with. Also, works excellent as background noise to accompany me when I'm drawing or working.

Now I will start Brooklyn 99 and probably will have another attachment. 

Until next time!

XOXO-

Art Journal & Kittens (ฅ✲ﻌ✲ฅ)

A little weekend update, since I did a few things. I gathered some energy to go back to journaling and retake my Gyaru Art Challenge :)

Please feel welcomed to use the prompts and use the tags! 

I decided to start it over and get creative while journaling about each entry. I won't be sharing them daily, but here are the prompts for day 1 and 2.

My doodles for the first prompts

This one is for my dream coord plus some random scribbles.

This section is inspired by the little green men from Toy Story and a nailset with them in it. I have recently started collecting figurines and will someday have a bigger collection. The idea extended to a little boy obsessed with them. Hope someday I can make a clean illustration and sculpture <3

While journaling I made me some dinner, which included this attempt of spiral cucumber salad. 

It didn't look as cool as the viral ones, but they are still delicious! Cucumber is my fave thing ever! I eat everyday, they are so refreshing and crunchy. 

Then on to my Saturday morning, where I had to go to Mexico for some medical thingies I had pending. I woke up extra early to do my makeup and try one of the Mac lipsticks my auntie gave me.

I usually don't buy Mac, I actually avoid all together but she had this box of vault mini lipsticks and gave me and my sisters our fave colors from them bunch. I gotta say the packaging is a 10/10 for me! I'm a sucker for cute packaging.

As for the formula it stayed most of the day even after eating. Not sure if I'm a fan of matte lip products, but it did the job.

My make for the day 

After my doctor's appointments my sister wanted to go to adopt a new kitten. She needs a companion and it's always recommended to have a pet to boost your mood.

To be honest, I've never been to a cat café and the shelters I've visited had a different concept. I am not sure the condition is optimal, but for a place that services and promotes adopting, it was okay.

I think more than cute it's so heart braking to see so many cats waiting for a loving home. My ultimate opinion is to spay and neuter your pets. I might sound so bitter to not enjoy going to a place like this.... after all it's our own fault so many cats exists. 

Many cats had flu and the place smelled really strong... Can someone tell me if this is a normal thing for a cat café? I don't want to be so harsh... and I know they are threated well in there, just wish people would donate more so the conditions could improve. 

Either way, I am a cat lover and I wanted to take them all with me.

At the end my sister picked a 3month old kitten. Her name is Maya and she was really social. She talks a lot, but she found a good home with my sister. She will definitely be loved and cared for.

Welcome to your new home Maya!

And that is all for today, I have to go cuz something did not agree with my stomach....

Take care of yourselves and your lovely pets if you have any!

XOXO-